I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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