can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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