miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
