this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
