My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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