The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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