I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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