i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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