I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
