you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
