Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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