Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
