I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
