Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
