Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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