Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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