my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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