We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
