R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
