we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
