fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
