so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Randomize
