Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
