I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
