Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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