I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
