I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
