I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
