I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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