I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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