I have demons in me.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
