My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
