I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
