i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
