Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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