just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
