she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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