My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
