Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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