and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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