im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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