um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
