Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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