made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
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