My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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