he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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