D3 body, D1 cock
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
