I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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