this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Green mimosas i think yes
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
