Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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