My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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