90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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