i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I love having hate sex.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
