i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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