You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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